Match Report - Bures Vs Witham 27/04/03
Phew! The 2003 season eventually got underway on Sunday. As usual, the finely honed Bures athletes departed from their onerous winter training schedules to turn out for the club. And what a team! A selection of old farts, drunks, colts and knobbers assembled at the pavilion for a 1.00pm start.
What a pleasure to see them all again! Captain Warden at the helm, immaculately attired as always, clearly disconcerted at a speck of dust on the paintwork of his vintage Audi. Portly Potty, having acquired a most splendid beer gut over the winter, contrasting vividly with Tyson the Labrador (lean, but sadly lame). Lewis the Launch, dressed for an Arctic winter with triple Primary Club long-sleeve sweaters. Marc and Lee Norton, the former now worryingly equipped with both car and driving licence! James Bocking, fresh from a soirée at the Vomit Studio, prowled the boundary and complained of stomach ache (but he turned out for the club - good boy!). Mr. Slow in trademark shorts, issuing subscription invoices and threats of County Court action in the event of non payment thereof (without prejudice and save as to costs). Big Pat McKenna, following his embarrassing exposure in the Pebmarsh area last week looking fit, mean and decidedly Northern. Pat recently met Princess Anne (apparently without a translator - perhaps they just grunted at each other?) and is flushed with pride at his contact with royalty! Tom Cropper, unable to look himself in the eye now that he is actually earning a living. Wamos, having been defeated by the technical issues involved in plugging his computer into the phone socket in his house. And finally Joe Dutton, fresh from a winter boxing tournament in which he withstood 12 rounds of unremitting pugilism from Mike Tyson, which he unsurprisingly found to be an somewhat uncomfortable experience.
And so to the cricket. Duly inserted, Bures progressed smoothly to 51 without loss on a much-improved wicket which is showing the benefit of the autumnal works. Sadly, Wamos got a little tickle behind (lucky him!) and made room for Tom, who set out his stall for a most remarkable innings. You see, Tom has perfected the "play and miss". I am not sure just how many times he succeeded in this, or which coaching manual he found it in, but some 15 overs after the start of his innings, the Pavilion Mafia was only able to recall two instances of contact of bat with ball! Tom departed to an inevitable duck after some 238,896 minutes at the crease and the early demise of Joe and McKenna raised the stakes. Enter Marc Norton and Mr. Slow who with an interesting blend of youth and plain good fortune added some 45 runs in even time. Mr. Slow's batting prowess is not often reported here for the simple reason that it does not exist, but he enjoyed himself playing "find the fielder" (he's good at that!) and provided a foil to Marc's more aggressive thumps through the off side. Finally, Lee and James B. prolonged the agony until the 44th over and Bures closed at 145 all out (Amos 29, Lewis 25, Mr. Slow 22, Marc 22).
Defending a modest total, Bures needed to make the most of every opportunity but this they manifestly failed to do as catch after catch went to ground. Two skiers were spilled as Bures fell foul of the "yours.....no....yours.....mine................no...no...no...yours" call. Even The Captain (and one should not criticise one's superiors) spilled a brace and was sentenced to a prolonged audience with The Enid Blighton Big Book of Catching the Effing Thing". Similarly, Mr. Slow, McKenna of Hartlepool and Tom formed a perfect equilateral triangle around a skied delivery from the Witham batsman; the ball landing on the turf perfectly equidistant to all three as no one moved! In the face of profound Bures ineptness on the fielding front, the youthful Witham side progressed smoothly and sensibly to 149 for 2 and recorded their first victory of the season.
The mood in The Swan afterwards was reflective. Our ring-rust was evident, but the night is young. Three fixtures next weekend and a predicted full availability from the members. It will be different next week, of course..............