Match Report - Boxted Vs Bures 25/08/02
by Alan Waterstopcock
WIGAN AND PEERS LOST - ON THE MOON
Bures League Team made the short but scenic trip across some delightful countryside to Boxted to take on a team pressing its claim for league leadership.
The 1 pm kick-off still seems like the middle of the night for some, and for others it may as well be ! With less than a full side some 10 minutes before the start Potty took the toss, won it and decided to bat. This gave us valuable time for late arrivals to arrive, phone calls to be made to find our eleventh player, Hainsey to cycle to the ground, Dave to go home for his box (or so he said !), Wiggers to sober up, Tyson to have a walk and the rest of us to inspect the wicket.
At this juncture it is perhaps worth reminding our more avid readers that the essential requirement for a decent game of cricket is the wicket. Whilst village cricket does not demand or expect too often a Lord'sesque sward of John Innes's finest that offers the bowlers promise and encourages batters to exhibit their full array of strokes, there is nevertheless an expectation that the bloody wicket is level and uniform! This concrete strip resembled a lunar landscape fresh from a recent asteroid bombardment and had our valiant batters reaching for boxes (at least two), thigh-pads, chest-pads, helmets, gum-shields and full body armour.
Meanwhile our openers, Wamos and Chambers L. took the field. Their opening slow-medium-fast-spin-swerve-bounce-grub bowler (at least that's how his efforts behaved) pawed the ground at the beginning of his ludicrously long 20 yard run up, the sun went in and the umpire awoke from his trance (fleetingly as it turned out !).
First ball - Wamos bowled!
Love was definitely not in the air however, as a determined Wiggers strode to the wicket, sobering-up noticeably with every stride. A man in form. A man who thought that a snood was something others wear whilst having sex until he discovered turkeys. A man not to be trifled with. A man on a mission. "Top Bombing" we thought!!
Second ball - Wiggers gloved a popper and is caught behind ! His peers were gobsmacked! Bures 0 for 2 from two balls and the Boxted boys were ecstatic. "Better than sex" one was heard to shout. "I agree" his wife was heard to reply. "Oh no it isn't" bleated the sheep in an adjoining field. Back to the action (and there was plenty of it) our batters slowly, very slowly regained some initiative and a backs-to-the-wall effort by Messrs Chambers, D. Warden, C. Ayres , Jimmy Lee et al saw Bures somehow close at 105 all out from 44 very difficult, long and sometimes painful overs and tea was taken.
Now it was our turn - Hainsey stood at the beginning of his run-up with flared nostrils - relishing the task ahead. At times he was unplayable - only one wicket - two dropped slip catches - plumb LBW turned down - for 29 runs. Your correspondent - one wicket - one plumb-LBW turned down. Crap wicket, crap ball, crap tea, crap luck and crap result.
The cow-corner Boxted brigade won by seven wickets and Wigan and his peers were still fuming at the wicket. Still - it's bound to be better at Little Clacton next week. Isn't it ???!!!!!
Attendance - 26
Teas - 5 / 10
Umpires - 3 / 10
Wicket - minus 5 /10
Nurse -10 /10
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