Match Report - Bures vs. Spivs & Chavs 24/09/05

Bures 191 for 9 declared

(Nick Oakley 50, Colin Bocking 46)

Spivs 'n' Chavs 168 all out

The Bumpkins won by 23 runs

 This was to be the game to end all games. In a brazen challenge, the Spivs and Chavs (aka The Old Grumblers) offered to come down to Bures to "sort out" The Bumpkins. The ultimate contest. Town vs. Country. City Slickers vs. Carrot Crunchers. One culture against another. The grass-roots equivalent of pistols at dawn.

The Opponents' Team Bus arrives . . . 

Scattering used syringes as they went, the repressed council house tenants arrived in a selection of scrap vehicles of urban provenance. They unloaded some vile fluorescent alcoholic wares into the pavilion fridge and gawped at the bumpkins who were dressed in smocks and quietly supping pints from earthenware tankards and taking turns with the Flymo on the square. After a beer or two in The Bells and a change out of the Burberry and bling, the game was on! Batting first, Bures weathered the early chav storm of wides and beamers before extraordinarily, both were removed by freakish and unfairly accurate deliveries. Sensing blood, the spivs closed in only to be met by an obdurate Bocko and Shenners, the latter of whom as the architect of this cross-culture clash, was batting for his reputation as an adopted bumpkin. Needless to say, both batsmen perished with Shenners, his street cred. in tatters, once again run-out to the ridicule of his team mates, and Bocko injudiciously wafting outside off stump.  However, James Lee, looking surprisingly active considering the early start, soon found the middle of his thrice-repaired plank and looked dangerous. Enter and exit Big Patrick, adjudged LBW by the obviously bribed and drugged umpire.  Bures 56 for 5 and in some disarray! Enter Oakers, senior professional and founder member of the silver threads club, who put down his Saga brochure and strode to the crease in an attempt to restore pride to the village. But further disaster struck just 7 overs later as James was out, leaving Bures at 68 for 6. Mr Slow limped to the crease pausing only for a 6 minute conversation with the square-leg umpire about the finer points of Law 43. Having every intention of continuing the Bures tradition of obduracy, he inexplicably spanked 22 off his first over overhauling the octogenarian Oakers in the process. The aging duo marched the run rate along with some gusto, each making light of his own but ridiculing the other's disabilities. Mr. Slow departed for 46, while Oakers marched on to a fine 50. Declaration came within a few minutes of tea with the Bures no. 11 refusing to put his wine glass down to go to the crease. Bumpkins 191 for 9, innings closed.

The Bumpkins enjoyed their wine, beer and tea while the Chavs skinned up in the Gents. and wandered off to the garage to buy some Castrol GTX and break a few windows. At the resumption, the Townies were quickly in trouble as Chris Chambers and Oakers, fuelled by their teatime alcohol, made inroads. Before we knew it, the slickers were 30 for 5, necessitating the introduction of a partially ambulant Mr. Slow and in the process letting them off the hook. The score mounted as the Kevs cashed in but it was a bridge too far for the visitors and they fell 23 runs short, grudgingly conceding defeat to the Bumpkins in the process. All 11 Bures players bowled, including Lewis Chambers who, perhaps for the first time in his life, managed to pitch six deliveries in a row on the wicket! Nine-year-old Ollie Bocking was undaunted in only his third ever senior game, bowling three tidy overs for 14 runs. But ultimately, the Chambers/Oakley/McKenna firepower was too much for the visitors.

The two teams repaired to The Bells for a beering, which was effortlessly accomplished. A most convivial afternoon's cricket had been played in an excellent spirit and what better way to celebrate the final weekend of the season? Vowing revenge, the chavs disappeared off into the night but quickly and unexpectedly returned. "Gissa push, mate. Me battery's flat." Sure guys no problem, no problem at all. And seeya next year, yeah?

Bures & District Cricket Club XI - 2005

(with a little help from Earls Colne CC)

Back, (Left to Right) - Mark Shennan, James Lee, Nick Oakley, Patrick McKenna, Christopher Chambers, Joe Smith

Front (Left to Right) Si Ayers, James Bocking, Ollie Bocking, Lewis Chambers, Colin Bocking

Scorer - Jane Smith (who wouldn't have her photo taken . . .bless)

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