Match Report Essex Vs Suffolk 29/06/02

Remarkably, 21 cricketers from the two counties assembled at 06.30hrs. for the annual battle. Let me say that I am completely unbiased and impartial in this matter, in that I did not play. But suffice to say that I was confident that the Essex team, clearly superior in every department, would outclass the bean counters. A twenty over thrash before breakfast was evenly balanced. Essex 126 for 5 (A. Roper 57 not out), Suffolk 124 for 5 (J. Harris a belligerent 51 making up for the fact that he could not hit the ball off the square the previous week). Second innings, Essex 160 all out whereupon lunch was taken and the Essex skip. played his trump card. Recognising a weakness in the leak washers' armour, he proffered copious quantities of wine and Essex Boys Bitter. All imbibed to excess, not only the targeted seed merchants from THAT side of the river, but also unfortunately his own bowlers on whom he was relying to secure a famous victory.

Your correspondent arrived after lunch and was shocked at the scenes of carnage. Colleagues, previously considered gentlemen, were drinking in full view of the passing rooks. Drunks, foul-mouthed and abusive, teased each other with their insults. The air was thick with boozy innuendo. Out on the field, white clad shapes pretended to play cricket as Suffolk vainly attempted to overhaul the mighty Essex attack. And yet, I found that the occasion had a certain conviviality. Mrs. Ayres, straight from work and on an empty stomach, charged in to the booze like there was no tomorrow and was quickly interesting company, as only she can be. On the field, the hopelessly outclassed seed merchants were failing to compete and at 55 for 6, with 163 required for victory, the game was lost. Yet cometh the hour and cometh the men. Ayresy, having already lost his wife to the bottle(s), joined Fish at the crease and this pair proceed to hit the gallant Essex attack to all parts (but mainly to the leg side). A break for "tea" (when not a single cup was consumed but the beer stocks were entirely exhausted) did nothing to stem the flow of runs with Suffolk recording a famous victory by 2 wkts, Ayresy and Fish outstanding with 43 and 42 respectively.

And so the gallant Essex Boys repaired to the pub to lick their wounds. It had been a long day and many limited themselves to a three hour stint in the Bells. Most, but not Wiggy, who decided against an early retirement and charged into the canned fizzy muck when he got home. One can only imagine the state that he must have been in, playing with his toy tractors at 3.00am, but he did admit to being "tired" the following day as he sipped his orange juice and lemonade!